Kiss
My Ass
Jo
began by spraying the brace a metallic silver with a blue tinge. Metal
is inorganic: disabled people are regarded as less than organic and/or
as inseparable from our inorganic aids. Metal is associated with hardness,
power: pink with softness, weakness. Metal is androgynous: pink femme.
And unlike the surgical pink plastic, metal does not pretend to be flesh;
perceived as artificial, the brace/borg separated itself from me.
Jo then added a dolphin image to the back of the brace, as it's one of
my favourite symbols. Since 1994 I have worn
gold dolphin studs in my ears, and in 1996 I had a dolphin image bleached
into my hair to celebrate the end of the summer. I loved seeing wild
dolphins when I visited the Gulf Coast of Florida, and was disappointed
not to have seen a dolphin in Cornwall when I spent 18 months there. (Many
sightings were reported to me, but my work and illness meant that I spent
much of the time indoors.) When
Jo showed me her first work on the brace, I wanted to be able to make sense
of it as a whole. To me, this dolphin symbolises my spirit rising up above
adversity - in this case the dolphin literally rises up above the site
of my impairment. The Yin-Yang symbol which Jo incorporated reminds me
of the philosophy which I learn in Tai Chi, as well as the principles of
Chinese medicine and the wholeness of androgyny. It particuarly recalls
to me the Chi Kung exercise where you repeat: "I love and accept myself
the way I am." Here the symbol is used playfully; the dolphin balances
the symbol of balance. In doing so it also parodies performing dolphins
- sometimes I feel like a circus exhibit.
Underneath
the dolphin Jo added a shattered CD, which is very symbolic since it is
placed partially over the area where my spine is deteriorating. It also
reminds me that the CD is fast becoming obsolete, illustrating the speed
with which technology changes - I like the challenge of change. Aside from
this, I like the way in which it reflects light and is transformed by light;
and the colours remind me of the incredible rainbows which chase across
Mounts Bay where I lived for nine months in 1996/7. Jo engraved the CD
with ju90, my name in cyberspace: as a borg,
the brace turned me into Miss Gosling; as a cyborg, it recognised me.
Because
of the dolphin, I saw the surface of the brace as an underwater environment.
I therefore asked Jo to add some green to the silver, partly to increase
the underwater effect, and partly to reflect the colours of one of my favourite
rings. This ring originally belonged to my father's mother, who gave it
to my mother on the eve of my parents' wedding as they had been unable
to afford an engagement ring. In 1991, when my mother remarried (my father
having died in 1979), she passed it on to me, and if I don't lose it I
will eventually pass it on to my niece. Green is calming, positive; symbolising
growth, spring, hope; the nineteenth century signifier of "inversion" and
escape; and the colour of my eyes. It is one of my favourite colours. I
saw the airholes as analogous to air bubbles, so in order to heighten this
effect, Jo added green phosphorescent paint to the steel washers which
she had glued around the holes. She also outlined the dolphin in phosphorescent
paint, as if it was leaping out of the water (the ocean being naturally
phosphorescent) and added an eye: when stared at, the dolphin stares back.
I
liked what Jo had done initially with the front of the brace, but felt
that the gold shells which she included had a costume jewellery effect
which was too femme for me. Continuing with the underwater theme, I saw
this area of the brace as the bottom of the sea, with the mirrored glass
and earring which I wanted very much to retain representing shipwrecked
treasure or, more prosaically, broken bottles. I wanted to increase this
effect and also to make the brace more personal, so gave Jo some shells
that I had collected in Florida, which Jo painted green.
To augment this I gave Jo my crystal collection, which would have the added
advantage of giving the brace personalised good vibes. Since I could no
longer carry my crystals in a trouser pocket, it made the brace more functional
as well. To develop this aspect further, I asked Jo to turn a decorative
loop attached to a shell into a functional loop to which I could attach
keys or ID. As I could not wear trousers with pockets under the brace,
or the "bum-bag" in which I had been used to carrying a phone, Psion, shades
and wallet over it, the brace had further drained my identity by preventing
me from carrying things; this was a small way of redressing the balance.
Although
the nylon webbing straps which tied me into the brace were hideous, I did
not want Jo to replace them because they had been riveted into the plastic.
(If not, we would have opted for something with more of a BDSM feel.) To
make them more comfortable, and to avoid the padding riding up over my
shoulders and changing my silhouette still further, Jo stitched the padding
under the straps, improving the overall appearance considerably. When the
rest of the brace was finished, though, it was obvious that the straps
needed more work if they were to blend in. The fact that they were white
also meant that they would get grubby quickly, and so would look even worse
as time went on. Another friend of mine, Joy Wotton, is a devotee of Liberty,
and supplied the answer in the shape of their trimmings counter. I found
a plastic net ribbon there which reflected greens and oranges, rather like
the CD, and which also had something of a fishing-net connotation. I stitched
this by machine to the front of the straps, sewing the edges underneath
by hand. I then painted the buckles chrome, to contrast with the steel
silver of the rest of the brace, and used the same paint on the leather
which Jo had used to cover the polystyrene padding on the edges of the
brace.
My
brace now became my friend and my protector, the exterior mark of my interior
pain, a removable, tattooed, exoskeleton, my armour.
I
loved having Jo's label, Kiss My Ass, on my left shoulder, particularly
when people tried to dis-able me. The fact that the label is made of aluminium
means that it is hard and unyielding, reflecting its self-centred sentiment
- other designer labels are soft and signify the display of yourself for
the pleasure of others. The aluminium is also apt because the brace itself
is inflexible, as are the needs which my impairment imposes. And it transformed
the feminising effect of the brace from submissive to dominant: "Miss"
Gosling/Borg was now Mistress ju90/Cyborg.
Next:
Performing disAbility
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